Four All-Too-Common Parenting Myths

I was raised in the era of Dr. Benjamin Spock. Dr. Spock advocated radical changes in child-rearing. Thank God my parents paid no attention. Over the past forty years, society has placed much of the responsibility for the socialization of its children on the public schools. Often the result of that trend, as I see it, has been for too many parents to abdicate too many of their responsibilities to their children as their first and primary educators in life. I would like to dispel some of the myths that seem to permeate the current theories of parenting.
Myth #1: Consistent and reasonable disciplining of your children stifles their personalities and lowers their self-esteem.
I read recently that some parents subscribe to the nonsensical idea of never saying “no” to their children. If my sister and I heard that word once, we must have heard it thousands of times. Hearing that “negative” word did not stifle our emotional growth or cause us to suffer any psychological trauma. Quite the contrary, that word taught us the basics of right and wrong and gave us a sense of comfort. That's right, comfort. Children are constantly exploring their boundaries. A world without boundaries is a scary place. A teenager who has been raised without boundaries often causes problems at school. Ironically, when the schools then attempt to “socialize” these students, much too late, the parents complain that the teachers are “picking” on their kids or that the schools have no right to dictate rules to their children. Yes, the schools do have that right and, more importantly, that responsibility, especially if parents refuse that responsibility.
Myth #2: Your child's version of what caused him or her to get into trouble at school is always the gospel truth.
My parents waited to hear both sides of the story on the few occasions I got into trouble, although I was usually guilty until proven innocent. I have witnessed parents adamantly defend their children even when shown overwhelming evidence of the children's wrongdoing. One teacher I know was called into a parent meeting with a mother because her son insisted that the teacher had humiliated him by tearing up his assignment in front of the class. When the teacher produced the paper, intact, the mother defended her son by saying, “Well, he must have imagined that you tore it up.” How does one combat that lack of logic? A parent once berated me in front of other parents for not sending her a progress report regarding her son's failing work. I had sent the notice and suggested she ask the guidance office to show her the copy that was kept in their records. It was there; her son had intercepted it in the mail. Sometimes teachers do the wrong thing, but at least give both sides a chance to be heard
Myth #3: Middle school and high school kids always have the common sense to make their own decisions.
No, they don't. Kids make wrong decisions for all kinds of reasons, social and peer pressure being the most prominent. There would be no need for dress codes or rules governing the use of phones and electronic devices if all students were making good choices. There would be no call for truancy laws if kids were making good choices. Socialization requires the setting and enforcement of rules. And, since the schools are trying to educate children and maintain some standards of behavior and dress at the behest of the public, why do so many parents side with their children when they break the rules?
Myth #4: Parents should be “buddies” with their children.
A parent is his or her child's advocate, not a buddy. Parents who choose to put themselves on the same authoritative level as their children's usually end up regretting it. Being a parent takes love, but it also requires strength and perseverance. Enforcing rules is often not pleasant. Waiting up past a curfew and smelling a child's breath is not pleasant. Making sure that one's child is keeping up with his or her studies is work, and that's what a large part of parenting is: work. I know; I've been there. My boys and I had many disagreements over their behavior. None of them were pleasant. Now, many years later, both of them love their mother and me for sticking to our guns. And that is pleasant.
In one of his last interviews, Dr. Spock said, “Children can be taught any set of values that their parents...believe in.” He did get that right. What set of values do your children follow?